MIND YOUR MANNERS (Because They Matter!). April Blog

 "Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot" ~Clarence Thomas 

Good manners cost nothing but mean everything.  While the gift of etiquette in the world is one that is free to give, the simple offerings of being polite and kind--saying please and thank you, listening carefully, and making eye contact with people--can bring huge benefits to ourselves and those around us.  They help us appear more confident, maintain more fulfilling personal relationships, lead us to prosper at work, and generally enjoy happier and healthier lives.

But what we may not have realized when we were (hopefully!) being taught these manners as children, is that when we learn about manners, we are learning about mindfulness.  By living more mindfully--more fully intentionally--we can lead a more prosperous life in every way!  That's because when we practice basic, good manners, we are showing those around us that we respect them and are considerate of their feelings, not just our own agendas.  This makes them feel better and, in turn, more aware of how they might be more considerate of us.  

Most of us are familiar with "the golden rule:" Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  It is golden for a reason!  Examples of good manners can manifest themselves in seemingly small actions and rewards--like getting the door for someone and receiving a small smile of thanks in return.  No, ladies, when a man holds the door for you or gets your car door, he is probably NOT doing it to insinuate that you cannot do it for yourself; he is probably doing it because he was raised to respect and honor you, and maybe, just maybe, he wants to make you feel special and worthy. 

Good manners are so much more important than many of us realize.  They are the hallmark of civil society.  They help us tap into empathy; they make us ask ourselves, "What is it like to be on the other side of me?"  When we place ourselves in a scenario to feel what another person may be feeling, our words and actions automatically become more respectful.  Manners can make or break crucial relationships and be the difference between harmony and conflict at home, at work, or even between countries and cultures on the world stage. 

According to Emily Post, who is perhaps the most influential American writer on etiquette in the 20th century, "Manners are made up of trivialities of deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen to know them; manners are part of your personality--an outward manifestation of one's innate character and attitude towards life."  Manners are common sense, a combination of generosity of spirit and specific know-how.  So...if they are so integral to civil society and living well, why does it seem that they are so often ignored in our modern society?  The changing priorities in society shape the way we interact and behave.  Some may lay the blame on generations like the Millennials and the iGen, or even GenZ.  But ALL of us have contributed to the lack of good manners and etiquette in our society. 

Reasons for the Demise of Manners in Society

1.  Lack of character development.  Not too long ago, good manners and etiquette were taught alongside reading, writing, and arithmetic in schools.  They were considered integral in helping the young become successful adults.  But today in most public schools, there is a lack of emphasis on comprehensive and interdisciplinary character development.

2. Texting & Emailing Changes in communication methods have affected our way of life and our manners.  The use of indirect modes of communication like texts and emails doesn't require in-person interactions, and many of us have become overly reliant on these forms of communication.  This can lead to misunderstandings and, in some cases, even offensive or rude exchanges.  It's vital to be intuitive with people we care about/respect.  Know when to pick up the phone or just have a face to face.

3. Social Media. Likewise, manners easily fall by the wayside on social media. When people don't meet in person to talk about things and rely too heavily on social media, they literally "forget" how to talk to others.  Lack of personal interactions and connection makes us feel anonymous, which can easily lead to inappropriate comments and a lack of good manners and sense. 

4. Television/Youtube/Video Unfortunately, the lack of civility, poor manners, and lack of etiquette on the part of famous people sends powerful messages to all of us, and contributes to the decline of manners in our society.  These are supposed to be our role modes!  But if we want a more polite and less divisive society, we ALL need to make efforts to create productive civil discourse...especially those in the limelight.

5. Busy Families. With both parents usually working, and kids moving from activity to activity, there may be a lack of time in the daily routines when parents have opportunities to teach and practice good manners and etiquette with their kids.  Some of these connections have been lost due to fewer family dinners, visits from relatives, and family outings.  These rituals may seem outdated, but there needs to be a way for families to connect and engage with each other so that young children have opportunities to practice socializing graciously.

So....what can WE do?  We all say we want a more united and harmonious world.  If manners are integral to achieving that goal, what can each of us do out there to make a difference?  CAN we make a difference?  Mother Theresa once said, "Do small things with great love," that's how you change the world.  Admiral McCraven said, "If you want to change the world, start by making your bed" (which is, by the way, good manners, too!).  In other words, by seemingly small gracious actions, we can make big, beautiful changes!

Guide to Making Manners Matter...in YOUR Life, and the World!

KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.  It isn't always about you!  If you know that your actions or words are hurting or upsetting others you care about or respect, STOP DOING THEM.  Choose your words and topics wisely when engaging in conversation--online as well as in person. Show openness to various perspectives and monitor your choice of words and behaviors...even the small ones.

PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING.  Take a clue from Mr. Darcy's playbook and practice listening and responding in social settings.  It is tempting to multitask, but active listening means looking the person in the eye, not at your cell phone.  Ask good questions and be thoughtful.  

EYE CONTACT MATTERS! Whether a short conversation or a lengthy discourse, eye contact shows respect to the person you are speaking with.  If you don't want to be in a conversation, get out of it graciously.  If you are in, be ALL in.  

THINK BEFORE YOU ACT. Be intentional in what you say and do.  

SHOW APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE.  Thank a Veteran when you see one.  Thank the families of Veterans.  SHOW THEM RESPECT!  It shouldn't matter what side of the political fence you camp on.  These are people who have dedicated their lives to defending your freedoms.  No country is perfect!  But everyone reading this blog?  You have it pretty well by comparison to most.  BE GRATEFUL.

BE POLITE OUT THERE IN THE WORLD. Say please, and thank you.  Say excuse me when you bump into someone, even if it is not your fault (and hold the sarcasm, please!). Put your cart away at the grocery store.  Refrain from using curse words.  Also, show some general courtesy towards others while waiting in lines, driving, etc.

COMMUNICATE INTENTIONALLY.  Be authentic and sincere in compliments and praise.  If someone does something nice for you, try writing them a thank you note!  It sets you apart.  And...if you don't have something nice or positive to say about someone, whether a friend or family member, peer or colleague, avoid saying anything at all.

SMILE! Be friendly and cheerful.  Greet people with a smile.  Of course, we should all be cautious with strangers, but that doesn't mean we should be discourteous in daily interactions.  Smile at the cashier.  The bank teller.  Your Co-Worker.  Even if they do not smile back.

BE HELPFUL.  Hold the door for the person behind you.  Lend a hand to others if they are struggling.  And if someone is helpful to you, say thank you... make eye contact...and smile!

HONOR YOUR COMMITMENTS, BE PRESENT & ON TIME. If you say you are going to commit to something HONOR THAT COMMITMENT.  If you say you are going to be somewhere at a certain time, BE THERE.  Be someone others can count on.  

TABLE MANNERS MATTER! It's the details sometimes: waiting until everyone is seated before digging in.  Put your napkin in your lap.  Chew with your mouth closed.  Push your chair in when you leave the table...ANY table.  You know the drill.  It may be old-fashioned, but it's timeless!

CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF...AND YOUR PETS!  It's just plain icky not to!  Leave the world a little nicer than how you found it!

There you go!  Now, I would like very much to hear from YOU!  What manners matter most to YOU?  Do you have any to add, or does one of these really speak to you?  Tell me all about it.  I promise to listen.  Giving you mental eye contact, full attention, and respect.  

And I will smile as I read them all.  :)

Please, and thank you in advance!  

 

THERE, THEIR, THEY'RE: Comforting Grammar Anxiety in a Syntaxed World (Puns intended!) - March Blog

 There are many quite unflattering names to describe those individuals for whom proper grammar and syntax is extremely important:  The Grammar Hammer, Grammar Nazi,  OCGD's (obsessive compulsive grammar disorder), and Grammar Police are only a few examples.

I guess it makes sense that our current culture would refer to these grammar gurus in a negative way.  After all, we live in a high-tech, speed-of-light, word-counting world, and these detail crazies are annoying. We don't have time to write out the whole words. And that extra button to capitalize the personal I?  Well, it can be a personal pain that interrupts the texting flow.  Numbers have started to find their way into our words:  l8r, m8, let's go sk8ing, for the sake of time and a strange sort of cleverness I don't fully understand.  As far as capital letters to begin our sentences or put nouns in their "proper place?" (only the true grammar nerds will get that one) That is almost a dead art.

Believe it or not, I was your age once.  I remember believing that it was more about the creativity and "word painting" ability as a writer than where the commas and semi-colons belonged.  I wanted my writing to move people, to make readers fall in love with my characters and sit on the edge of their seats with my masterful conflict weaving; I wanted to make them see something differently, or maybe even REALLY see something for the first time.   Punctuation?  That was cute, too, but not as important as style.  Much to my chagrin, Marina High School's Honors English III teacher, Mr. Hole, had a very different point of view...

The first piece of writing I ever turned in to him was a narrative.  I was very proud of that narrative and expected to receive some encouraging comments of recognition when it was returned.  Instead, my paper floated back to me in a river of red ink. I was crushed, and if I am completely honest, I was also indignant... and a little bitter.

For a while, I was afraid to write for Mr. Hole.  I experienced blocks that I had never known as a writer.  I was convinced my past glowing reports were all just a sham, and now that I had entered the world of REAL writers, well, I just plain wasn't one.  I went to see him during office hours every time we had a paper due, brimming with all sorts of insecure questions.  I would write, rewrite, throw away, and write again before I would show anything to him.   Then, one day, he said this to me, and it really changed everything:  "Kristin, you are a great writer. You are creative, and I can tell you have a genuine love of words and storytelling.  You must believe you are an artist.  But what good will any of that do you if people cannot clearly see the vision you have poured out on the page?"

It stuck.  I even wrote it down to remind myself of that.  What good, indeed?  Furthermore, what if a poorly placed comma or missing semi-colon placed my work in a negative light for an intelligent, syntax-savvy reader?  This was a necessary, humbling experience that not only made me a better, more effective writer, but it also made me realize how complex the process of creating communication really was...and you know what?  It SHOULD be!  Communicating effectively deserves our time and close attention!  Words are extremely powerful!  We have certainly explored that notion quite a bit this year.  But that power is quickly drained in untrained hands.  Nathaniel Hawthorne said it best: "Words: so innocent and powerless as they are standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows well how to combine them."

So, why should you care?  Well, for one, like it or not, the professional world cares.  According to  an article in Forbes Magazine (dated March 11, 2013),  "....good grammar is a fairly accurate predictor of professional success."  Apparently, there are studies to prove it.

1.  Professionals with fewer grammar errors in their profiles had achieved higher positions.  The profiles of those who'd failed to achieve director-level positions within the first ten years of their careers made almost three times as many grammatical errors as their director-level colleagues.

2.  Fewer grammar errors correlate with more promotions.  Professionals with six to nine promotions made 45% fewer grammatical errors than those who'd been promoted 1-4 times.

In the article, Forbes interviewed iFixit CEO Kyle Wiens, who maintained that grammar skills typically indicate positive workplace traits, including but not limited to attention to detail, critical thinking , and intellectual aptitude.

You don't need to be a Forbes editor or a Fortune 500 CEO to know that you only get one chance to make a first impression.  In our tech-savvy world, most communication is now written and sent via email or text messaging. When face time technology is used, grammar and syntax skills still come through in verbal communication: "With whom shall I conference on this topic?" vs. "Who do I follow up with?"  OR  "Where shall we meet on Friday?"  vs. "Where do you wanna meet up at this Friday?"

I'll admit that last so-called sentence I just typed made me CRINGE!  Yuck!  As picky as I have become about grammar now, years after high school,  I still do not profess to be perfect or even nearly so when it comes to English grammar and syntax, but I do strongly believe in its great significance.  As you revise and edit your essays in this class and future ones, please take the time to consult grammar and syntax resources, such as the classic Elements of Style book that graced many an English major's personal libraries.  It is time very well spent, as it makes such a difference in how others perceive you as a communicator!  We may be moving from the calligraphy pen to the stylus, but that just means communication is more readily available and easy to access.  Now, more than ever, it is important to be an excellent, effective communicator... literally!

Please take a moment to enjoy these humorous blog commentaries through the links below.  They really make grammar fun and a bit hilarious, too!  The first one about the "alot" is one of my favorites, and it will certainly give you a much needed comic relief, but on another level, it will also show you how seriously the Grammar Hammers of the world take this issue.  Hey, let's be honest, you should probably take it seriously, too, because according to Forbes, these Grammar Nazi, OCGD, Grammar Police will most likely be your employers and promoters someday!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

https://theoatmeal.com/comics/who_vs_whom

https://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon

Enjoy reading the blog posts on these links and comment on your favorite!  Then, confess:  What is your biggest grammar or editing challenge?  How do you plan to tackle it this spring?